Lost Without You
by Invisible Shadowess
Summary: Reela fic. I've never been jealous of another man before, untill now. Michael is truly a verly lucky man. R
1. She's gone

Summary: Reela fic. Takes place during the end of "Strange Bedfellows". They're in the kitchen, inches apart from each other. Ray doesn't want her to leave, neither does she, but it's all for the best, she keeps telling herself. She's a married woman; she shouldn't be living with another man, especially not the man she's beginning to fall for.

A/N: This is for all you Roomie fans out there. A few separate song verses are in here from Storyside: B. So no, they're not mine.

Disclaimer: I don't own ER, the songs from Storyside: B, or anything else except the clothes on my back, the thoughts in my head, and this computer on which I type.

That look in Your Eyes

_When I look at you_

_I see your soul_

_So fragile and beautiful_

_I know I have made_

_So many mistakes_

_I can't deny, I'll take the blame_

_I wish I could heal_

_That look in your eyes_

_If you won't feel to compromise_

Ray's POV:

Here we were, standing in the kitchen, so close that if she tried, she could hear my thoughts screaming in the deadly silence. I've dropped the spoon she was just eating out of. _Why? Why must you go so soon?_ She won't look me in the eye and tell me what's wrong. But she doesn't have to tell me. It would only make it worse. I already know why, it was just a matter of when it was going to happen. I didn't think would happen so soon though.

I've gone from annoying roommate to best friend in her book. I mean look at me, she's changed me so much. When she first moved in, I didn't eat unless I ordered out. Now, she's got me cooking in the kitchen, that I-didn't-know-what-it-was-for room.

I was going to show her my new found abilities tonight, cook up something special for her after she came home from that surgeon-what's-it expo. But what a better time to drop the 'I think I should move out' bomb. If she hadn't, it wouldn't be fair for her, for me. Why does this devastate me so? Why do I feel the way I do about her? I haven't even slept with her. She's not mad at me, is she? She's only moving out because she's a married woman, and she shouldn't be with me. She was never mine, and probably never will be. I never thought I could lose something that was never mine, but now I know I can. I feel so lost.

Neela's POV:

I'm such a stupid girl. I'm a married woman for Christ's sake! I've put myself in a _very _dangerous position. Why does his timing have to be so wrong? If he had gotten to me before I had married Michael, then maybe things might've changed but since he didn't, this is how it has to be.

Why is it that I can pour my life and feelings out on to him, trust him more than I can my own husband? This is why I have to move out. It would be betraying Michael if I don't.

I have to give Ray some credit though. Most guys would've left you out in the cold once you've married someone else. Ray's supported me through this whole thing.

Michael's mother told me to make sure that this marriage doesn't change who I am. Here I am married to him and I still consider myself as Neela _Rasgotra_. When someone calls me 'Mrs. Gallant' I want to correct them. I can still remember how Michael's father scoffed at the idea that I was living with some other guy other than Michael.

I've got to get out of here! I should've left the moment I thought of this apartment as 'our' apartment. The moment I thought of this as 'home' and created a safe haven within it, I should've left. But I didn't, did I? I stayed here because I was safe here, and now I'm breaking his heart by leaving. There's his t-shirt. I've loved sleeping in it. It has his essence. It makes me feel so safe.

Ray's POV:

Man, she packs fast. 'I think I should move out', right, how about '_I'm going to_ move out'. Her room is empty, well not unless you count all the boxes in there. Not a trace that someone has lived here is left. I stand in her doorway, watching her pack. I keep telling myself to say something, to keep her from leaving me. What's this? She's packed everything from her room except a t-shirt. It's my t-shirt. I've been looking for it for a month now. Of course, that's when I first noticed it was gone. It's been with Neela all along.

"Um… I've rather like sleeping in it." she states, handing it over to me, rather embarrassed.

"You know, I've been looking for that for a month now." Lame. This is the only thing I've said to her since she's said that she should move out.

Still, she won't look at me. It's like I'm poison. Or some sickly disease of the sort.

Neela's POV:

I can't look at him. One look and I'll be hooked. I know the look he's probably giving me. He probably has this beaten look on his face, like a lost puppy. I've seen this look before, he's used it when a patient dies and he's had a long day. And yes, I think I've seen it on his face when I make him watch one of my chic flicks. I'm sitting on the couch next to him bawling my eyes out and sometimes if I'm lucky I can see him tearing up too. I never tell him that I see him crying though, no, that would ruin the moment. Instead, I put it in the back of my head so I can remember that the soft Ray still exists somewhere.

When we're alone together, we're no longer the people we try so hard to appear to be. He's not the hard, tough Ray who doesn't feel anything and I'm not strong, unbreakable Neela. When I'm with Ray, I'm like glass against concrete, easily broken. Even Michael doesn't see that side of me.

I've really got to go! The sooner the better! I've got to catch a cab. I know he wants me to stay. Why won't you tell me to stay? Because I'll tell you that it couldn't be? Just let me know that you feel the same way I do.

Ray won't say anything, so I leave. I turn to face him one last time, still not looking at him.

"I guess this is good by then." The tears are welling up inside me, I can't take it anymore. I have to leave now.

Ray's POV:

_Stay!_ I only I could say it out loud. Not that it would change anything. She would just tell me that it couldn't be. My mind is battling between telling her to stay and letting her go.

The shirt is still in my hand. She should have it. When I find her, she's outside on the curb waiting as a taxi pulls up.

"Neela!" I yell. She turns to face me, and finally looks me in the eye. " You should have this." I hand her the shirt.

She looks at me with such a pained look in her eyes, the tears that have been threatening to fall for the passed hours begin to run over, spilling against her cheeks. She shakes her head turns away from me, and got into the cab.

_And in your eyes,_

_I see the light_

_And with one smile,_

_My soul takes flight_

_And in your eyes,_

_I see the light_

_And when you cry,_

_your tears are mine_

She's gone. I look down at this shirt and watch the cab drive away from me. She's gone. I've forgotten the hard core side of me and I begin to feel tears run down my cheeks and on to the shirt.

I go back into the apartment, looking around to see if she had forgotten something of hers. Nothing. She took everything. Everything except the shirt.

Neela's POV:

As the cab pulls away from the curb I turn around and watch Ray as he begins to shrink in the distance. He doesn't move. He's just watching as this cab disappears from his view. He's beaten and bewildered. As much as I wanted to, I couldn't take the shirt. It wouldn't be fair for him, for me. If Michael ever comes home, where ever home is, he'll find this shirt and wonder why I have it. He'll know its Ray's and he'll think I've betrayed him. If I took his shirt, it would only give him false hope which will only lead to tears. More bloody tears. Tears of sadness, tears of anger, and tears of bewildered sorrow.

Ray's POV:

I'm beaten and bewildered, shot and wounded. _She didn't take the shirt. _I feel like such an idiot. She's a married woman for crying out loud! She couldn't possibly have feeling for me because she already said 'I do' to someone else. What else is it there to say? She's gone. I can't even get a drink because I finnshed the last of it yestaurday. So there is another reason why I feel like I've been hit in the stomach. I haven't eaten in thirteen hours. Not that I feel like eating now. I should probably get some sleep if I can. I've got an early shift tomorrow.

Narrator's POV:

Ray collapsed into bed without a thought of changing out of his street clothes. He put the shirt next to him on his bed, smelling Neela's fragrance still on it. His Roomie was gone.

_You're why I've searched this world_

_You're what I've waited for_

_Stay here just for awhile_

_Stay here just you and I_

_You're all I'm dreaming of_

_You waking in my arms_

_Stay here won't you please _

_Dance to me_

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**A/N: Come on, push the lil' button!**  



	2. Terrible Awakenings

**A/N: I'm sooo sorry for those of you who have been waiting for me to update for so long. :Dodging objects being thrown at self in a corner: I really intended to update much sooner than this but this computer sometimes has a mind of its own... Ah well, here's the long awaited second chapter:**

**Disclaimer: You know the drill, I don't own anything. (Although, I wish I did.) **

Chp.2: Terrible Awakenings

Ray's POV:

I woke up feeling stiff and sore. _"What a bad dream__… One day she probably will leave… I hope not anytime soon…"_ I had the scariest dream that Neela moved out and left me standing, watching her disappear in a cab. _"It seemed so real though," _I looked in the mirror of the bathroom and was shocked by how red and puffy my eyes were. _"Was I crying in my sleep? God, I look like crap. Maybe a shower will help." _As I went into the shower and could sense that something was different. I just couldn't make any sense of it. _Didn't Neela always keep her razor in the shower? I wonder where she put it." _

As I was coming back from the shower, I just couldn't help but feeling like I needed to check her room just to make sure it _was_ just a dream. I walked slowly to her door, hesitated, shook my head, and then knocked on her door. _No reply._ I knocked again, this time calling her name. "Neela? Are you there?" I kept telling myself that she was just sleeping, couldn't hear me knocking. Tears were beginning to well up inside me as the dream began to haunt me again. Slowly, I reached for the door knob and turned it. I slowly opened the door, half expecting to hear her yelling at me to close the door. But there was no yelling, nothing, silent as the grave.

Finally, I opened the door all the way, only to find a completely empty room. Except for the wire bed frame, there was nothing there. Everything was gone. Once again for the second time in less then 24 hours, I let the tears fall. It wasn't a dream, she really did leave. Left me nothing to remind me of her. _"Except the t-shirt"_ The t-shirt, that's right. Quickly I dashed into my room and found the shirt. It must've fallen down in my sleep. Once again I put the t-shirt up to my face and smelled it. It still smelled of her. Her shampoo and her perfume. If only I knew what kind it was I'd get it and spray some on that shirt till she comes back to me. _"If she comes back to me,"_ I reminded myself.

_"So now what do I do? She's left me and I don't even have the benifit of saying it was just a dream, all a dream." _I looked at the clock across the room and stared at it. It took a while before it regestured that I was indeed late for work once again. It wasn't too late to call in sick, right? But, then again, what would that tell Neela? That I was too much of a coward to even show up for work the next day? Besides, even if she didn't think that way, I couldn't have her feel sorry for me. It was wrong for me to love her. She was never mine to love. She was all Michael's, only Michael's.

As I got on the El train I began to think back on the past few weeks. Like last week when she new damn well that I was watching Ghost but played it of like she knew nothing. She sat down next to me on the couch as we watched poker together and then she put her head on my shoulder. It's moments like those that felt like things should be. It felt like she wasn't married to Michael, she was my best friend, and we were still in college. I miss seeing her when we had the same shift and she'd be up, her hair all messed up looking for her shoe or some thing like that. Those were the moments that she looked truely beautiful. She wasn't at work stressing about something small, no, she was here with me without a care in the world about how she looked or how the world saw her.

But it was also moments like those that made me fustrated. Michael never saw her like this. He was in Iraq without the slightest care that maybe Neela didn't want him to leave her again. I've heard her time and again about how she thought that this war was pointless. How the origanal threat was in Afganistan and other things like that. It fustrated me how he could just leave her. I could never leave her, ever. It just never made since to me they just married and now he was leaving her. But this wasn't my affair now, was it? I was just helping the maiden in distress when she needed me. She needed the rooming, and I needed someone to help split the rent.

Well, this is it. This was my stop. Time to put on a happy face, beat Wevaer off with stick about why I was late, and try to avoid Neela. Not that I'd want to, but if I think if I see her again, I'd just break down again. I couldn't let her see me like that, so vunerable and distruat.

Narrator's POV:

And with that Ray staighted up, gathered his bearings, and walked into the ER.

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**A/N: So did you like it? Please, please tell me. I think some of you have forgotten your manners. Only 4 reviews? Come on now, I know that this fic is worth more. Come on, push the lil' button. Push it, push it! If you don't, I won't continue. It all depends on you. Don't make me pout for you, cause I will :pouting, pouting: eyes getting big and teary: Please review, you'll make me feel happy inside! **


	3. The No Eye Contact Rule

**A/N: Sorry it took so long... I had a bit of writer's block...grrr... I hope this is to your liking! Unconscious-Regret, I hope this is better than you expected!**

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Chapter #3 – The "No Eye Contact" Rule **

**Neela's POV: **

What a horrid day. And to think that I still have to work today. I don't think that I slept a wink last night. I didn't think that it was possible for me to cry for so long. About five minutes after I couldn't see Ray at the curb any longer I realized that I had no where to stay. So I did the next best thing; I called Abby.

**XxFlashbackxX**

"_Hello? Abby?"_

"_Yes, this is Abby."_

"_Oh, good it's you. Look…ummm… I need a favor."_

"_Favor? Well it's a good thing you're not Italian or I would think that you're going to ask me to kill someone for you. What's up?"_

"_I just moved out of Ray's apartment. Can I stay at your place for awhile? It won't be for long… I just need a place to stay for a week or two."_

"_Oh, no it's alright with me. I'm usually at Luka's so you'll have the place to yourself most of the time."_

"_Oh…sure. Alright, I'll see you in twenty minutes."_

_Click._

**XxEnd FlashbackxX**

When I got to Abby's I completely lost it. As I took my bags out the cab, the tears began to well up inside of me and I couldn't hold it in. One by one the tears fell and burred my vision. I surprised even myself that I got into Abby's apartment in one piece. When she opened the door she asked, "Neela, what happened?" And that was it for me. I let all the tears out and bawled into Abby's shoulder. Every once in awhile I'd hear Abby's soothing voice, "There, there now. It's alright, just let it all out." I always thought of Abby kind of like a mother-figure kind of friend to me. Every time I'm stuck in a rut, she's always there for me. No matter what the circumstances, she was right next to me, guiding me to the right decision. Maybe it was just the fact that she's pregnant. Either way, it meant loads to me.

All night I cried with Abby. Lucky her, she didn't have to work today.

"Gee Neela, what's with you? You look like you haven't slept a wink. Are you feeling okay?" Frank said as I walked through the double door. I felt like crap and really only wanted to get the day over with instead of answering Frank's question, but being the little polite person I was, I answered him.

"Yah, umm… I had a rough night last night that's all. Couldn't get to sleep. Probably had too much caffeine before I went to bed."

Frank looked at me as if he didn't believe me, but he probably had no other reason in mind as to why I feeling the way I was. I didn't matter to me; at the moment the only thing that mattered was that I had seen Ray yet. I knew that he had the same shift I did so it was time to follow my absolute special rule; the "No Eye Contact" rule. As long as I avoided him and kept myself from looking him in the eye, I'd be fine.

It was a good thing that I played football all those years when I was younger, because that made it easier to turn in the other direction whenever I saw Ray. He looked like a little boy who'd lost his puppy. His facial expression hasn't changed since I saw him shrinking from the cab. He looked so dreadful. His shoulder where slumped forward, hands shoved deep into his pockets, and each step was heavy and labored.

I only had to work with Ray once. It was another gang shooting. This kid was only 16. He was shot 12 times in the torso; poor thing didn't stand a chance. He was dead five minutes after arrival. He probably would've been DOA if it weren't for the fact that one of his buddies called 911 immediately, the shooting wasn't even five minutes away, and the ambulance just happened to be in the area. The EMT told us that his heart rate kept going up and down. It was the weirdest thing I've ever seen. Almost like he knew he was going to die and had some power within him to fight death for five minutes. After that, he just gave up. Ray kept shouting to keep going and wouldn't stop the compressions even though everybody else told him that it was no use.

It was so weird seeing him like that. Pratt was the one known to do that, but Ray wasn't. He was so determined to keep the boy alive even though he was done for. Finally he stopped, pulled off his gloves, and with a final, "Happy now?" he harshly pushed open the door walking out of the room with all of us gaping after him.

"What got into him?" Luka questioned, nodding after him.

"He did seem a little high strung, didn't he?" Sam said, eyeing me with suspicion.

Soon after we walked out, having pronouncing the boy dead, our job was done. I wanted so badly to go see Ray and see what was up, but I knew that was a bad idea. Still, after half an hour I gave in and went to go see him, seeing as he hadn't shown up.

I found him on the roof.

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**Ray's POV:**

I left knowing that everyone's eyes were on me. Just to add to the tension in the room I pushed open the doors with a bang. I don't know what got into me. It didn't really make any sense; why did I react the way I did? 98 of the time, I'd rather let someone else deal with an almost DOA person. But no, Neela was working with this patient. Somewhere inside of me the "I-got-to-prove-something-to-her" part of me took over, causing me to want to work with this patient. Not that I knew what it was that I need to prove to her. _"Yeah, real smart Barnett... what on earth were you going to prove to her by trying to save an already dead person. He shouldn't have even been brought here in the first place. You shouldn't have been in there anyways."_ I took comfort in talking to myself. I just had to make sure that nobody else was there to here me. I wouldn't want to be recommended for an asylum at the moment.

After walking aimlessly around for a while, I deiced to go up to the roof. The roof is my favorite place to be in times like these when I needed to sort things out in my head. What I needed to do was figure out why I felt the way I did about Neela. She changed me a lot and caused me to fall for her, but now she's left me standing out in the cold hoping that my Neela- Neela, she never ever mine- would come back to me.

So why was it that I didn't want to see her? The whole time we worked together on that kid for those five minutes, I couldn't bring myself to look at her. This new Ray I've found in myself is really beginning to scare me. I'm not used to feeling _this _kind of emotion. For a while I was happy-jolly in love, now it's like all I have to do is think about Neela and it was water works all over again. It was like I'm becoming a chick or something. It's really pathetic. Since when did I ever wallow in self-pitty? _"Since Neela left you last night.."_ It was true, I've cried a grand-total of three times since she left.

Looking over the street below me, I began to fight the tears again. _"Come on Barnett... pull yourself together... this is stupid."_

_**Screeech!**_ Someone was here with me now. Curious as I was, I couldn't bring my self to turn around and see who it was.

"Ray...?" It was Neela. Why wasn't I surprised?

Slowly, I turned around to face her. I couldn't look at her, though.

"Sorry you had to see that... I haven't been myself lately." I said, looking at the ground.

"Damn it, Ray! Why won't you look at me? Do I have some kind of posion that if you look at me you'll die?"

Actually, she did have a posion with her. It was love. A forbidden love that if I looked at her I probably would die, because she wasn't and never will be mine. She was married and I couldn't be the reason if she were to be unfaithful. She's married to a soilder, for christ sake!

"Look I'm sorry, Neela. It's just that since you're married, and by looking at how things have been for the past couple weeks...," I looked her in the eye and took a breath. "I've never ever been jelous of another man, untill now. Micheal is truly a very lucky man." I put my hand on her shoulder for a second, looked at her one last time, and left her there standing there on the roof.

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_"I saw you face, _

_in a crowded place,_

_And I don't know what to do,_

_Cause I'll never be with you."_

You're Beautiful, by James Blunt

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**A/N: So did you like it? It's my longest chapter yet! Please reveiw! My review list is _really_ small so I'll take any review. Good or bad, it doesn't matter. So go right ahead and push the little butten! You'll get a cookie!**


	4. Alone

**A/N: Alright, I'm sorry for not updating… it's not my fault, I couldn't log in. J/K. I've been putting this off for awhile because I couldn't think of anymore ideas. But here you go; the fourth chapter. I hope you're satisfied!  
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**Disclaimer: You know the drill, I don't own anything and defenatly not "Whisper" by Evanesence.  
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**Chapter 4: Alone**

Ray's POV:

How can she make me feel this way? From the moment she left my life, she's been in everything i've seen, heard, or smelt. She's been avoiding me like the plage for about a month now. It's so strange not being able to talk to her. I used to be able to say anything, at anytime. I try to sleep at night but it's so hard because everytime I close my eyes she's in my head; talking to me, crying with me, telling me how much she really needs me.

Why do I give myself such torture? It doesn't make sense. I know that she doesn't want me in her life. I know that she doesn't want me close to her. And I damn sure know that she doesn't need me. That's why I love her. Because she's so damn independant.

But once I talk myself into believing that she doesn't need me, my mind keeps going back to the times where I'd hold her as she'd cry for so long, when I'd stay up with her because she couldn't sleep, or even to the very reason I'm in this mess. She needed a place to live and I was the one who had that place to live.

I can't give her all the blame for this, though. I needed someone to help me with the rent. Is that all? Is that the only reason that I need her? Then, I guess it was. Or at least at first. As time would go on, my need for her would gradually increase. Soon enough, she was the very reason I even got up in the morining.

I can't even get the morning routine out of my head. I can't get up in the morning with out making coffee the way she always liked it. I never personally liked it, but i still drink it now because she used to drink it. I feel like a damn lunitic. I even keep the place clean in memory of her. Not only because I'm so used to being nagged at for leaving something on the floor, but also because she taught me to clean when you can't sleep, clean when you're upset, and clean when you need to think something through. And I have defenately been having a lot of those moments. Who am I fooling? I have those moments every moment of every day.

Let's just face it, I'm so alone without her. I'm nothing without her. Without her, I might as well be dead because there's no other reason in the world to be alive than her. If only I could've learned her paitence. I'm so snippy with everybody. Even with Abby. She's the only one who let's me know when I'm scaring the kiddies.

Narrator's POV:

Every woman comes to a point in their lives where they feel the need to scetch. Neela, not being a very artistic kind of a person, never thought she'd every have to go through that. Sure, she had been through some very trying times, but she always found ways around scetching. There was always something to clean. Problem was for the past month or so she'd been cleaning Abby's everyday constantly and now there really wasn't anything else to clean. So, after much mupping around, she had finally come to the idea of doing some scetching.

She went to a nearby art supply shop and brought a scetch pad and pencils and set to work. She cleared the living room and sat on the floor, grabbed her ipod and put her music on full blast. Normaly, she would say that turning music on full blast is riddiculus because it was a poor way to loose your hearing, but today it was the only way she could seclude herself from the real world.

Maybe it's just on of those inborne things that you don't have to teach anyone; women and scetching eyes seem to be one of them. Neela was not exempt from this. She hadn't meant for it to be an eye, but it was. She hadn't meant it to be anything. She just sat down and listened to her music and separated herself from what she was doing.

After all, eyes are the windows to a person's soul. Eyes show feelings, truth, and life. So it made sense that her eye that she was scetching had tears in it. Every time she thought of the last thing he said to her on the roof made her cry.

_"I never been jealous of another man before, untill now. Michael is truly a very lucky man."_

Neela's POV:

I thought I had everthing under control. I was so sure that I was doing the 'right' thing. I'm married, I shouldn't be living with Ray and acting like a total college student. I should be living in my own place with Michael by my side. With Michael! That's what my damn problem is! Michael left me to continue his 'duty'.

But did he listen? Of course not! He's so blinded by he's solider's will to even think about staying here with me.

**XxFlash BackxX**

_"I need to be out there. I can't be here while the war's still going on. I'm sorry, but I can't sit here while there's still more action going on over there. It's my duty as a solider."_

_"Duty! What about me! You married me, have you forgotten that! You're a husband, Michael. My husband! You 'duty' first and foremost is to me, your wife!"_

**Xx End Flash BackxX**

Narrator's POV:

All the while she was thinking back to the times that Michael was still at home with her, her ipod was screaming in her ear.

_...this truth drives me into madness _

_I know I can stop the pain_

_If I will it all away,_

_If I will it all away._

_Don't turn away,_

_Don't give into the pain. _

_Don't try to hide,_

_though they're screaming your name. _

_Don't close your eyes,_

_God knows what lies behind them. _

_Don't turn out the light,_

_never sleep never die. _

_I'm frightened by what I see_

_but somehow I know that there's much more to come._

_Immobilized by my fear,_

_and soon to be blinded by tears._

_I can stop the pain if i will it all away. _

If only it was that simple. Neela always dealt with emotional pain that way before. Just will it all away or act like it doesn't exist. But now, even that didn't help. There was no one to tell her that it was all alright. Ray wasn't there for her to comfort her and to hold her in his arms. Nobody was there, it was just her, all by herself. Once again, she'd half to pull herself out of this. She was falling and there was no one to break her fall.

**Riiiiinnnngg!**

Even through the blaring music, she could still hear the phone ring. Quickly she turned off her ipod at went to the phone. Before she got answered the phone she could tell that something was wrong. What was wrong, she couldn't say but she knew something was wrong. Nothing good calls after 9 at night.

"Hello?"

"Yes, is this Neela Gallant?"

"Yes, this is her."

"I'm am sorry to imform you that your husband, Michael Gallant, was killed in action by a roadside bomb. He was killed instantly..."

Neela didn't hear the rest of what the chaplin had to say. The phone slipped from her grasp and fell on the floor. Slowly, she could feel herself drifting away, slipping into darkness.

Once again there was no one to catch her as she fell. There was no one to tell her that it was all over now. She had fallen on rock bottom and she really was alone.

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**A/N: You know the drill. Push the little button and make me happy!**  



	5. In the Dark

**A/N: Okay, so some of you were annoyed that I made the army call Neela instead of showing up on her door step, but you've got to understand; it was all for dramatics. You've go to admit that that was pretty dramatic the way the phone slipped out of her hand like that, right? Alright, I get it, enough of me, on to the story. Presenting, the fifth chapter!**

**Disclaimer: Do I really have to do this _every_ time?**

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**Chapter 5- In the Dark:**

Ray's POV:

How many nights do I have to go through this? How much longer do I have to spend alone? I didn't think that I could get this dead drunk and still be able to think straight. I can't eat, can't sleep. I'm going insane without Neela. I always thought that there was a fix for everthing, but even this drunk i can still feel the pain and loneliness of being alone without Neela. There's no fix for this. I've tried so hard to hide it at work that i don't sleep at night. I try to pull as many double shifts as i can before they realize that I haven't gone home in days.

I can't go home. Too many memories. But here I am, sitting here in the dark at my apartment because Abby threatened to drag me home herself if I didn't go home and get some sleep. So i went home, grabbed a twelve pack of beer and started to drink here at home. Home. It's not really home anymore since she left. It just some empty place for my to crash at. I can't close my eyes because everytime I do, I see her there; next to me. Sometimes she's laughing, but most of the time she's looking at me the way she did when she was standing at the cab, getting ready to leave; refusing the shirt.

Damn! Why is my head so screwed up? She's married. Here I thought I saw the signs. _"She's into you. She's got a thing for you."_ Lies, all of them.

**_Smmmaaaassssshhhh!_**

What the fuck is wrong with me! I don't throw things. But hell, my life is just as shattered as this broken bottle against the wall. Shit, another thing I have to clean up.

I've stopped calling. It's pointless now. So many on answered phone calls, it's a wonder I didn't stop a long time ago. She hasn't answered one of them. Not one! Well that's saying something. Best friend? Bull shit! If she's what I've got for a best friend, then my life's a little more screwed up then I thought. I _am_ a loser. Why would Neela want me? Why would someone with he life in order want someone who's a loser? Sure, opposite's attract, but we're **_way_** too different, **_way_** too opposite.

Narrator's POV:

Hot, painfull tears began to slide down his cheeks. Once again he was reminded that he was alone and his mind went back to the time when he was maybe five or six.

**XxFlashbackxX**

_Here, young Ray is looking out the window in the middle of the night. It's dark outside and his parents had yet another fight. _

_**Sllaaaaaaaaammmm!**_

_Ray hears the door slam and he watches his father speed away from the house from his bedroom window. He hears his mother crying in the next room. Queitly, he slips from his window and creeps to his door and slowly opens it. You can tell his hesitant about leaving his room but he still wants to go to his mother. He wasn't supposed to be up. He wasn't supposed to hear the yelling of his father and the cries of his mother as his father hit her over and over again, but he did._

_His mother had threatened to call the police if he didn't leave so his father left. Finally making up his mind, young Ray goes out to see his mother._

_"What are you doing up?" his mother says to him harshly._

_Ray is silent and doesn't answer._

_"I asked you a question!" screamed his mother as she smacks him full in the face._

_"I- I- I heard D- d- daddy yel- l- ling." Ray says clearly frightened._

_"And what does a ungreatfull bastard care about that?Huh?"__she hits him again._

_"I- I- I-I'm sorry mommy. I- I- I couldn't sleep." stammers Ray through sobs._

_"You know better than to be out of bed, don't you? Don't you?"_

_"Y- Y- Y- e- e- s momma."_

_"Then you're getting what you deserve for being out of bed."_

_Ray begins to fade out as his mother begins to beat him._

**XxEnd FlashBackxX**

Ray sat on the couch rocking back and forth, trying to forget the past. He remembered thinking back that later on that night after she let him go back to bed, sneeking out the his window and running away. One of his neighbors found him walking and called the police on his mother because this time she was careless and left him horribly bruised. He was moved from foster home to foster home after that. He never really had a home after that because nobody adopted him and when he was eighteen, he was on his own.

So, Ray's been by himself all along. Untill Neela, he had no one else. No family, no friends. Just him sitting in the dark.

_**RRRiiiiiinnnnngg!**_

The sound of the phone interrupting his train of thought made him jump. Nobody called his place after Neela left. All the phone calls were for her. Ever since his band left him for California, he no longer had anymore friends.

"Hello?"

"Hey man, it's me, Pratt."

"It's three in the morning. What is it?"

"It's Michael. He's been killed."

"What! How's Neela taking this?"

"See that's the thing, nobody's heard from her and we've called her to see if she's alright but the phone's of the hook."

"Shit," Ray said as he ran his hand through his hair. "How long has it been since the phone's been off the hook?"

"Three hours at least."

"And nobody's gone to check on her?"

"That's why I called you. We're slammed really bad right now, nobody can get over there."

"Alright, I'm leaving as we speak." and with that, he hung up the phone, grabbed his jacket, and left.

* * *

"Neela! Neela, can you hear me?" 

Nothing. Ray tried the handle and prayed to God it wasn't locked. It wasn't. The door swung open to an empty living room. He walked in to the kitchen and saw her passed out on the floor and the phone hanging of the hook; beeping like mad.

"Neela!" he ran to her. Switching to doctor mode, Ray began checking her vital signs. There was a faint pulse. Ray then went to the phone hung it up and called for an abulance. Neela was going to need all the help she could get.

* * *

**A/N: Mmwwaahh! I leave you with a cliffie! You know I only do that so you'll stick round a little longer, right? Come on, tell me how much you're mad at me. Or don't. Tell me how much you liked it. All you got to do is push the lil' button. It's not that hard. Just move the mouse, click the button, and tell me how you feel! **


	6. Her Little Angel

**A/N: I made you wait for this chappie because of a family death. But know I'm doing better and so, I will continue in this story.**

**In this chapter I will be going back in to Neela's past for most of the chapter, but not all of it. Her story of her brother is similar to mine, everything the same except for the fact mine is still fighting between life and death, and we are still praying that he will make it through.**

**But enough of me, on to the chapter… **

**Chapter 6: Her Little Angel –**

"_Can you hear me?_

_Am I getting through tonight?_

_Can you see him?_

_Can you make him feel alright?_

_If you can hear me_

_Let me take his place somehow…"_

_- Mark Schultz: He's my Son_

While the doctors were frantically trying to revive Neela, her subconscious went back to the time when she was a teenager. Very few new why Neela had left England for an internship in America. But her story is similar to many as to why they leave their home countries for another. She left because of the same reasons Luka left. Someone she loved dearly had died and she needed- or rather wanted- to forget the pain and start anew.

Her baby brother was a very sickly child. He was always in and out of the hospital for one reason or another. But for the most part his main sickness involved his stomach and his intestines, rendering him unable to eat or drink anything because he would just throw it right back up. So for all of his short little life, he was put on a feeding tube.

Although he only lived to see four, Kuti's life impacted many. People would see him laughing and dancing and wonder what it was that made this child who was stuck on a feeding tube so happy. Nobody knew for sure, but he was Neela's core happiness. Kuti was Neela's little angel. All she had to do was hold him in her arms and he'd smile at her, and she never felt happier anywhere else. Kuti was Neela's strength and her joy, and if someone thought ill of him, she'd make sure they understood his poor life.

But Kuti's life wasn't always happy. Or at least not for those who had to watch him suffer. Neela had many sleepless nights in fear that Kuti wouldn't wake up one night. She'd find herself late at night in his room, watching him sleep. Every time his chest rose and fell, she was reassured that he was still alive.

And like all angels, it was soon time for him to return back to heaven. Neela remembered that night clear as day. Kuti had been put back it to the hospital for an infection a couple weeks ago and it wasn't getting any better. He had Suta Monas, natural bacteria found in anyone's gut, but because his never moved; it grew dangerously and found its way into his blood stream. It affected his blood clotting, causing bruises to appear everywhere.

A fever grew suddenly, so quick and so fast that doctors and nurses began to appear out of nowhere, trying to cool him off. Neela remembered standing with her parents feeling so helpless. All she wanted to do was run to him and hold his little hand and tell him that everything was going to be alright, but of course, it wasn't going to be. Kuti was crying fitfully, both tired and scared.

But despite all the doctors' attempts, the fever rose too high and it took his life. Kuti stopped crying and laid completely still, the heart monitor screaming in the background. The doctors called his time of death and let Neela and her parents see him one last time. Neela didn't hear anything; she couldn't believe that her angel had left her once and for all. She just ran to his bedside and held his hand. His chest didn't rise and fall anymore, but she thought it was all a dream. She kept trying to wake up and find him still in his bed at home alive and well. For two weeks she couldn't eat or sleep. It was then that she knew that she had to leave England. Her little angel was gone. Her strength and her joy went with him.

Many times her mother found her fast asleep in Kuti's bed; curled up because it was so small and her face was tear-stained. Ira, her younger sister, was too young to join them at the hospital and so she stayed with her aunt until Neela and her parents got back the next morning. Ira was ten and really didn't know whether or not her parents where telling them that they were telling the truth that her brother wasn't coming home.

-0-0-0-

Mean while, Ray was loosing his angel. They already had a tube down her throat and where giving her compressions.

"Neela… Come on Neela. You've gotta wake up."

But it didn't seem that she could hear her. Suddenly he saw a tear fall from her closed eye and run down her cheek. What was this? People don't cry when they're unconscious.

"Pratt... look… she's crying."

"Ray I think that you need to get some shut-eye; people don't cry when they're unconscious." But even as Pratt said it, he looked and saw that her face was now tear-streaked. "What the-?"

-0-0-0-

"_Wake up Neela," Kuti said to her. "Somebody needs you to wake up."_

"_Kuti…?"_

"_You're not dead yet, but you still need to wake up."_

"_Oh, Kuti, I've missed you so much. I love you."_

"_I love you too, Neela. But you need to wake up. It's not you're time to go yet."_

"_Kuti, you've grown so much since the last time I saw you."_

"_Just because you're dead doesn't mean you stop growing in the after-life. My body is different than the one that is still buried in England. Oh, Neela please don't cry. Aren't you glad to see me?"_

"_Of course I am, Kuti. I just wish you were still here alive with me."_

"_I'll always be with you. Don't you remember the song you used to sing to me?"_

"… _And in dreams we shall nev'r part."_

"_That's right. I'll be right here in you're dreams."_

"_Time to go, Neela."_

"_Good-bye, Kuti."_

"_Bye Neela."_

-0-0-0-

Then Neela opened her eyes. Instead of being in her apartment, she was in the ER. Then she felt the tube in her throat and began viscously trying to pull in out. Ray grabbed her hand and told her not to pull it out. She knew that she shouldn't pull it out, but it was human instinct to want to.

It was like nothing was wrong in the first place. Her vitals and everything else went back to completely normal. Ray held her hand, and told her that everything was going to be alright. And of course it was; his angel had come back to him. It was then that Neela remembered the phone called she got telling her that Michael had died. At first she thought it was just a dream, a horrible nightmare that she woke up from. But it wasn't.

Everything hit her like a train. It came crashing into her and she didn't know how to deal with it. She hadn't had to deal with the pain of losing Kuti for the longest time. And know Michael was dead. So, it had to come out somewhere and just as it did anytime something came her way that she couldn't handle, she threw it all up. And then, it was Niagara Falls from there.

She was a mess, she was crying horribly, and she was embarrassed that she couldn't keep everything down. But Ray understood. Right now she needed Ray and he was ok with that. He had forgotten for the time being that she had hurt him, but she wasn't running from him this time and she wasn't leaving. Or at least until she was well enough to handle herself on her own. Now was not a time for confessions. There was always later.

**A/N: And so this chapter comes to a close. I hope you haven't minded waiting for this chapter, and to make it up to you guys for being so patient I'm already working on the 7th chapter. Don't forget to review, I'm dying to know what you think. **


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